Quest Ion
by brandy mallory
Summary: Brain's quest. Cept he's not so bright... Even if you aren't a Quest 64 fan i recomend you read!
1. Chapter 1

((A/N: i don't own Quest64 or anything. i also do not actaully have the game or played it in a while (going off memory) so please tell me if you see anything horribly wrong. Brain's pretty out of charater, but he's cute. and dumn,.. so anyway, if u've never played quest64 this probally won't make much sence, but enjoy!))

* * *

Our hero Brain has set off on a dangerous journey. One that will require him to be brave, daring, and all out heroic. This quest will be hard, and there is no guarantee he will return. DU DU DUH

* * *

"Send me off to recover some stupid book…" Brian walked down the road to the village, grumbling, "Sure, my dad was a spirit tamer. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna be great at it."

He whirled his staff as he walked into the village, accidentally hitting some old lady.

"Hey! Watch where you put that stick young boy!" She said, swinging her purse at him.

"Ahh! Purse!" Brain said quickly, running out of the village, the old lady hot on his tail until he was safe outside the city gates.

"A stick… Who the hell goes on a magical quest with a stick?" He started down the road, not really paying much attention to where he was going, "Shouldn't I at lest have a legendary sword, or a axe or something?"

Suddenly a very unfriendly looking wolf type thingy appeared from thin air.

"AHHH MONSTER!"

Brian ran back into the gates, then back out. Deciding scary wolf thingy was not as scary as the purse lady.

"Ok Brian," he said to himself, "Think, they taught you how to do this in class remember?" He thought back to Spirit Tamer School…

/flash back/

"Ok kids, here's what you do when confronted with a scary looking monster." The teacher held up his pointy stick, "You simply blah blah with the blah blah and then blah blah!"

Brian looked out the window, not paying attention. Instead he watched a man being chased by the crazy purse lady.

/end of flashback/

"So I have to blah?" Brian said to himself, or the wolf, or the air. Anyone of the options made him crazy anyways.

He held up his staff confidently, "BLAH!"

The wolf froze.

Then laughed.

In fact the wolf thingy laughed so hard he rolled off a cliff into the ocean below.

Brian stood stunned for a moment then cried, "I DID IT! Maybe I'm not a complete dunce after all!"

He continued on his way, humming along and wondering where he was going.

"Didn't that old guy say something about someplace?" he said, again talking to absolutely no one, "And going there?"

* * *

Somehow, and I really do wonder how, Brian made it to Dondoran.

"Dondoran? But why did Don do that made him run?" Brian said, confused, "And why did they put it on a sign?"

Shrugging he walked inside the gates. Hoping that he won't encounter any reason that would make him run like Don.

* * *

((so anyway, i have to get a hold of someone, or of a guide, so i can remember what happens next. well, i know whats next, just not much about it. somthing with a king and a stone...review please!)) 


	2. Chapter 2

((A/N: finally updated. finally got to play the game actually.))

* * *

"This is a very confusing city!" Brian yelled, seeming as he had somehow ended up in a weird patch of sand. He wandered back through the streets till he came to an inn.

"Thank gawd!" he said entering and spotting a weird chick with off white purple hair.

"My name is Shannon, I stalk innocent little boys like yourself. If you ever need a pick-me-up, I'll always be in the nearest Inn." She said, then winked and smiled seductively.

Brian rolled his eyes, "Right… So basically you're just a dumb side character that has no real influence on my quest for the holy cookbook, or whatever I'm supposed to be looking for?"

"Exactly."

He sighed and walked up to the desk, "How much to stay a night?"

The old man twitched, "We don't charge."

"Then how do you make money?"

"We don't."

"So how do you get food?"

"It's free."

Brian looked at the man as if he were mad, "No wonder this world is going to shit! There's no money!"

"So that'll be one night?"

"Sure why not…is the hooker free too?"

* * *

Later that day Brian took a walk to the castle to see the king.

"I am King Scottfort. Go get my Earth Ball back from the mean guy with the bad hat and I'll give you my daughter Flora."

Brian pondered about this, "Is she pretty?"

"Not really."

"Smart?"

"Far from it."

"My age."

"Older."

"It's a deal!" Brian shook the kings hand and raced off to the forest to fight the guy with the bad hat.

* * *

So Brain made his was through the happy forest, fighting off strange frogs and dolls. Some how he made it to the end of a very long road, to see a very large door.

"Haha! This must be where he lives!" He entered and walked down into the evil lair.

Only to be meet with a pointless bad guy monologue.

"What's this? What business do you have in the castle of Salvaring, King with the really weird hat?"

"You call this a castle?"

"Shut it! I've been practicing this for weeks! Did that fool without the really big mouse on his head send you to come get my happy Earth Ball? Cause it's mine! I already made it a shoebox house!

And now I shall be King of Ugly Mouse Hats!

Mwahahaha!

And oh yeah, now I shall kill you so I can make new mittens!"

Battle time!

Brain started, hitting him with his stick.

2 damage.

Salvaring roared, exploding all the ground around him.

All but 2 damage.

"Damn it! Why can't I do cool attacks like you?"

"You can idiot! Press the yellow buttons!"

Brian tried that, "Wind thinger!"

The attack flew over Salvarings head, knocking off his hat and tossing it over the stage.

"NO MY HAT!" He yelled and jumped after it.

Battle over.

Brian stood there stunned for a second, "I won? I really won!"

Obtained Earth Ball.

"All right! Time to got get my Princess!"

Back at the castle, several days later…

"You actually did it? Holy crap! I just sent you to get rid- I mean, you have succeeded where my bravest knights have failed. It's just as The Grand Abbott foretold!"

_Flashback, what really happened:_

_Grand Abbott, "Brian is such a dweb. He'll never amount to anything."_

_End flashback_

"You now take that Earth Balland go play catch or something… Oh and take what ever you need out of the secret room that's door doesn't really look secret, behind me."

"Hey," Brian complained, "I thought I got your daughter?"

"Trust me. You don't want her."

Brian walked up the stairs, wanting to see the girl he almost had.

"Holy fuck, you're alive!" Flora said happily.

Brian ran, "AH, ugly boots! Blonde! Scared!"


	3. Chapter 3

((A/N: Look, I'm updating! Actually, I finally got around to playing on a little more. And this is as far as I ended up going. –sigh- anyway, thanks for the reviews and such, 3 people have this alerted! That's amazing! I'd wish they'd REVIEW. Warning: Chapter contains licking, and suggestive themes. But that's just my sick mind. This is my sick minded chapter, well, MORE sick minded than normal.

I do not own Quest 64, ToS, Norway or Zelda…))

* * *

"Death hugger?" Brian blinked, "Wow, now that's a scary name. Look at me! I'm a death hugger! Fear me as I give you hugs and kisses!"

The Death Huggers Brian had been facing ran off crying and he walked on until he found a wonderful gold bridge.

"OMG! It's gold!" he ran up and began licking it, "I love the taste of gold! Tastes like," He pondered for a minute, "Gold!"

He looked up and saw that he was near a dock, and the dock had a boat, "OMG! A boat! I love the taste of boat!"

He walked into the cabin of the said boat, looking for a place to change into his favorite pirate outfit. Of course he forgot the rule of when-you-go-into-the-cabin-it-means-you-want-to-go-where-the-boat-goes, since you can't pay the guy to take you since money DOESN'T EXIST.

So when he walked out he was no longer where he was.

He walked up to the guy, "Hey! I didn't want to go on a boat trip!"

The guy twitched, "You forgot the when-you-go-into-the-cabin-it-means-you-want-to-go-where-the-boat-goes rule."

"And secondly, this isn't where the boat was even supposed to go!"

Half an hour later he was walking down the road, muttering, "Stupid wind. Stupid lake flowing wrong and such…"

Three random hot chicks appeared from nowhere. In reality they were merrows and wanted to kill him but Brian wasn't exactly smart.

Battle

"Hello ladies!"

Merrow one attacked. He dodged on fluke.

"Did it hurt?" He asked.

The second one growled, Brian misread this as: "Did what hurt?"

He smiled, "When you fell down from heaven?"

The merrows were so disgusted with his totally lame pickup line they ran away.

End of battle

After a long walk, a VERY long walk, he arrived at a bridge.

But the gates were locked and he couldn't go any father. Ha, ha! LOSER! Instead he meets two gay lumberjacks named… well, he didn't ask for names. Brian is homophobic. The second the first lumberjack went: "Hello! Call the fashion police, cause we have a very bad boy here!" he was gone. I would have stayed; I always wanted to hang out with a gay lumberjack. But alas, I am only the writer of these things…

Later, when he finally arrived in Larapool

"Larapool is the water city."

"I really don't care ma'am." Brian looked at the creepy faces on the water fountain, "Creepy…" He inched away from the fountain, and bumped into a fat guy standing on a bridge.

"Wow, sorry man." Our hero said.

"My wife wants our daughter to be a stripper." Said Russel, seriously his name is Russel. Russel Mia Sheets, "But I want her to be what ever she wants to be. As long as it's dirty."

"And where can I meet this daughter of yours?" Brian asked hopefully.

Several nights later, after he recovered from falling off the bridge that lead to the Inn.

Brian started on his way to… where ever the hell he was going! Luin? Lake Hyrule? Norway? Normoon!

He crossed a log bridge, after having an OMG attack and having to lick it for five minutes. No wonder this kid was traveling alone…

Battle!

Some random goat things appear.

Brian blinks, "You guys are total Kvar from ToS look a likes!"

Random goat things so confused they die.

End of Battle

Finally he makes it to the house before the cave. He opens the door to met: DOROTHY!

"Cull Hazard is dangerous." She says pointlessly, Brian is still shocked by the color of her dress and hat, which are a very violent pink.

"Ahh! PINK! Wait, Cull HAZARD?"

"The cave. The dangerous, evil, hard to navigate, full of enemies and green water that makes really good soup cave."

"I'm so dead."

"I'll make you some soup!"

"…"

"Would you like to spend the night here?"

"…"

"With me?"

"…"

"Alone?" Dorothy winked.

Brian shuttered, "I'm really, uh, busy, how about when I come back from the soup cave and giant toads take over China?"

She seemed happy with that, so Brian walked into Cull Hazard, muttering to himself once again, "It's only a cave, and it can't be that bad can it? CAN IT?"

No one answered, because, obviously, he was alone.

Hours later, after walking through green mist, fighting blood gels (which he thought where related to Apple Gels and tried to eat) and going in circles; he walked into the fresh air, which wasn't to fresh. Pollution and such.

Brian coughed, "Damn you evil million dollar companies with your factories of poison!"

He opened his arms wide, "Hello Normoon!"

He looked around to see he was exactly where he had started.

Dorothy leaned out her window, waving a newspaper that read 'Giant toads take over China', "Hi Brian!" She winked again.

Brian sighed, "Damn it."

* * *

((Short chapter, crappy jokes, I'm sorry. I'll try harder next chapter. Once I get through that stupid cave. See that ACTULLY happened to me, I walked in a circle… then I swore, saved and sulked. The three S's of life. The plot isn't even interesting at this point, so this chapter was more filler than anything.

Review or I smack Brian with a stick. Or I DON'T smack him with a stick.))


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